


Let Go

by Stulot



Category: robron
Genre: Emmerdale - Freeform, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-02
Updated: 2015-03-02
Packaged: 2018-03-16 00:04:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3467036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stulot/pseuds/Stulot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Aaron is suffering from nightmares and has a hard time letting go of his past.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Let Go

**Author's Note:**

> This is a standalone that follows   
> In Time  
> Moving
> 
> It is followed by  
> The Cold Escape

It was a dark angry red. Nearly black. And it kept streaming into the drain on the floor like a forceful river, stopping at nothing along its way.

There was just so much blood.

And no matter how hard he tried, it was impossible to stop. He couldn’t tell anymore if it was his own or if it came from the body on the ground. It. Was. Everywhere. His jacket was soaked from the red fluid and from the rain that kept falling heavily on them. It was in his eyes and he could hardly see. They were nearly swollen shut.

In the distance he could see the bright light of sirens. He could hear their muffled sounds. But they didn’t seem to get any closer. They all seemed to go so slow. He closed his eyes, praying for it to be a dream, that it could all go away but it wouldn’t.

Suddenly, as out of nowhere there was a hand on his shoulder, dragging him away from the body and all he could do was scream. But no matter how hard he yelled, his lungs failed him and all that was heard was the sound of the drowning rain.They took the body away and he wanted to tell them to stop, tell them not to let him die. But they ran so fast and he was held back by the strong hand on his shoulder, stopping him from reaching, from leaping forward, from falling… ”Aaron” came the faintest of voices from behind the curtain of rain. ”Aaron” it was clearer now. ”Aaron” the strong hand shook his whole body.

”Aaron wake up”

With a gasp, Aaron’s eyes flew open and his whole upper body launched forward, causing him to scream loudly. His breath was hitched as he tried getting control over his body. There were tears gripping on to the corners of his eyes, not yet ready to fall.

”It’s ok. It’s ok” Robert soothed, rubbing small circles on his back. Without a word, Aaron turned to him and let himself get captured in his arms. Robert held him as hard as he could. It wasn’t the first time Aaron’s nightmares had woken them both, it had happened quite a few times now and recently more often. The first time Robert had been completely lost at Aaron’s upset state, not knowing what to do. Aaron had told him what the dreams were about, what they always were about: Jackson, the accident, the glass of drugs…and the scars. The guilt and the pain that, despite therapy, still lingered in the back of his mind and sneaked forward during the nights when his guard was down. Hearing it all for the first time had made Robert cry, not in a million years had he realized just how bad things had been. He had tried staying strong for Aaron but he couldn’t help the tears from pushing forward. It pained him to see the man he loved hurt so much. He wished he could make it all go away but nothing seemed to work, all he could really do was sit here in the dark with his arms around him, trying to provide the solace that Aaron’s mind could not.

”I need to..” Aaron couldn’t finish what he was about to say before he rushed out of bed and into the bathroom, emptying the content of his stomach in the toilet.

Robert squeezed his eyes shut as he heard the hurling. He felt so completely useless.

Aaron fell back against the wall, grateful for the cooling tiles behind his head. He wrapped his arms around his knees, and bent his head down. He felt ashamed. Ashamed that he woke up crying, ashamed that he made himself sick until the point of throwing up, ashamed that he couldn’t handle his feelings better. The dreams hadn’t haunted him in a long time, but now, when he was the happiest he could be; in love and finally living with Robert, they had started taunting him again. There was suddenly something cold against his fingers. Looking up, Robert stood above him, holding a glass of water.

”Here” he said quietly as if not to wake them up too much. ”Do you wanna be alone?” He knew how much Aaron hated showing him this side of him. ‘Weak’ Aaron called it but Robert knew better; he was anything but.

Aaron shook his head. ”No. Stay” he said, reaching up for Robert’s hand.

They stayed like that for a long time, Robert standing, leaning against the door frame, while holding the hand of Aaron who was still sitting on the floor. The moon left a sliver of light on the floor, lightening Aaron’s face.

Robert bit his lip, carefully processing his next words. ”I really do think it’s a good idea if you went to see someone…” he’d tried coaxing Aaron on the subject before.

Aaron immediately shook his head. No. No more doctors. He was sick of feeling ill. He was tired of getting treated. He just wanted to be normal. And going back to a therapist meant he was sick and he wasn’t.

Robert sank to the floor, looking pleadingly at Aaron. ”Then talk to me” his voice was desperate. ”Please”

”I don’t know what to say” Aaron said quietly.

Robert shrugged his shoulders in a gesture that looked like he was at the end of his rope. ”Anything. Just please say something”

Aaron pursed his lips hard together and finally looked up. ”Ok”

…

Robert poured him a cup of tea as Aaron sat fiddling with the rope on his robe. He glanced at Robert as he put the kettle down. He couldn’t believe the patience he had shown the last couple of months, considering he was not a very patient person to begin with. All the screams during the nights, all the pacing in the dark…He just hoped he would still be patient after tonight.

Robert sat down in front of him, turning the chair a little so he could look straight at him. He gently placed his hands on Aaron’s knees. ”Now, talk” he mustered a gentle little smile. ”I’m listening”

By now, Aaron was biting his nails. He shot a quick look at the kitchen clock that just hit half 4. ”Aren’t you due for an early meeting? You need to sleep. We can do this later” he tried.

Robert pushed down on Aaron’s knees, signaling that neither one of them were going anywhere. ”This is much more important. You, are more important”

Aaron opened his mouth to say something but stopped. A long paus ensued. He closed his eyes. ”It’s him… It’s always him… I don’t know why… He just won’t let me go.” He opened his eyes again to look at Robert, and was met by a calm, ensuring smile. ”And I love you so much and I’m so happy…but…” he bit his lower lip.

”But what?” Robert pushed when the answer didn’t come right away.

There was a deep frown on Aaron’s face. ”I don’t want to hurt you” he whispered.

Robert swallowed the small lump that had formed in his throat, and even though a small part of him was scared of hearing Aaron’s next words, he knew he needed to for them to get past this. ”Go on”

Aaron spoke quietly, nearly inaudible, hoping that his words wouldn’t be heard. ”What if I still love him more?” he looked away, unable to face Robert’s glossy eyes. There it was, the, uptil now, unspoken fear. ”What if that’s why I keep having these dreams?” he looked back at Robert, hoping to find an answer, but all he could find was a face in pain. That look was exactly why he’d avoided voicing the real reason for so long. Causing that pain was the last thing he wanted to do.

Robert took a deep breath. He was very aware of how much Jackson had meant to Aaron but hearing it like this was like having a knife twist in your chest. ”I don’t know what to say” he finally said, voice sad, and gently shrugged his shoulders. ”I can’t compete with a dead person, can I?” He stood up. ”I need to sleep” he said, wiping a tear away. Before he left the kitchen he leaned in and kissed Aaron on his head. ”I’m sorry”.

Aaron broke down in tears. He had done it again. He had pushed another person out of his life.

……

”Ok ok I’m coming. Calm down!” Chas shouted, running down the stairs, trying to slip into her robe. Whoever it was that was banging on the door this early better have a good explanation she thought angrily as she threw open the door. ”Robert” she exclaimed puzzled. She peered out the door ”Aaron not with you?” she asked, already knowing the answer.

”We need to talk” Robert said, pushing the door open and barging past his, sort of, mother in law.

”Oy, you can’t just come in here at” she looked around the room for a clock but without success ”way too early, that’s when” She tied her robe tighter around her.

”Oh just shut up” Robert shouted. He wiped his hand over his mouth as he drew a deep breath, he could feel himself shaking. ”Sit down, we need to talk”

Chas was about to sling some harsh words back but could see the concern in Robert’s eyes. So, she listened, and sat, suddenly feeling afraid.

Robert was pacing the room. ”I know we don’t see eye to eye on things, and I know I’m not exactly your favourite person in the world”

”You got that right” Chas mumbled. She disliked him by his reputation alone and after she found out that he’d been seeing Aaron behind his fiancée’s back she hated him even more. It had infected her relationship with Aaron to the point that her son didn’t want to talk with her other then when family was around. She couldn’t help how she felt about the pair; she wanted much better for her son.

Robert stopped, ignoring her comment, and continued ”But we both care about Aaron. And I need your help. He needs your help. I’m out of my depth here.”

After he had left Aaron in the kitchen he hadn’t been able to go back to sleep like he said. Instead, he had tossed and turned, hearing Aaron’s faint cries in the distance. He hadn’t wanted to leave him like that, not really, but the words he had heard were just too painful in that moment. Even though he knew Aaron loved him, he hated feeling like a second best choice. Not that Jackson could be a first choice, he was dead and nothing could change that. But the knowledge that Aaron’s feelings still remained in the past and not the present hurt like hell. This wasn’t how he had wanted to start their new lives. After having pleaded with Aaron several times about seeing a therapist all he could think of was that it was now time to call in the heavy cavalry. Chas. Even though he knew Aaron and she hadn’t been talking much lately, mostly because of him; something he hated himself for, he knew that she was probably his best chance of helping Aaron.

”Well go on then” Chas demanded.

”He’s been having these nightmares, where he just wakes up screaming. About Jackson and…everything” Robert’s voice faltered. ”And I don’t know what to…” he frowned as he saw Chas suddenly on the phone. ”Thanks for listening! What are you doing? ” he said angrily.

”Shut up. We need Paddy for this one” Chas was now more than worried.

…

A united trio sat patiently waiting in the living room at Aaron and Robert’s. Chas and Paddy on the sofa, Robert not so much sitting as squirming around on the edge of the armchair. He had a feeling Aaron wasn’t going to like this one bit, once he decided to come down that was.

His fears became true about fifteen minutes later when Aaron stared at the tree of them. He folded his hands behind his head in disbelief. ”Why you gone and done that for?” he shouted, trying to hide the pain in his voice.

”Because I didn’t know what else to do!” Gone was the calm and collected Robert and instead there was an angry, determined Robert, not afraid to speak his mind.

Aaron shook his head. ”I can’t do this.” He said, and headed for the door.

”Right, sit down!” Paddy rose, and pointed to the empty place on the sofa. ”We…we..we are gonna talk this through, whether you like it or not!”

With a sulken expression, Aaron looked between the three before finally sitting down. He remained quiet while he heard his mum and Paddy talk, copying his and Robert’s nightly conversation. He glared in Robert’s direction, he couldn’t believe just how much he’d told them. Deeply, private things he found hard to even confide to the person he shared a bed with.

”Aaron” Paddy started, pushing his glasses up. ”You’re not…”

Chas couldn’t wait for Paddy to finish his sentence. ”You’re not cutting yourself again, love?”

A ”No” came quickly from both Aaron and Robert which made her sigh in relief. ”Ok, good”

Aaron leaned forward. ”Look. I don’t want to do that again. It’s not like that.” he said, with more concern in his voice. He hated making them feel like this again.

”Then what is it like?” Paddy inquired.

”I thought you knew everything already?” the sulking tone was back. He shot another glare at Robert which Chas picked up on.

”Don’t blame him” she said. ”He did the right thing” she wanted to add ‘for once’ but restrained herself.

”Come on Aaron” Paddy sounded as calm as ever. ”We just want to help you. We all do” he said, emphasizing on ‘all’, knowing how strained it had been between him and Chas lately.

”It’s either this or a therapist” Robert said with a stern voice. A voice he preferred using for difficult clients and not Aaron. There was no point in sugarcoating it anymore though. This situation couldn’t go on.

Aaron looked up at Robert, who was sitting next to him on the armrest. ”I just want him gone” and by ‘him’ they all knew who he was talking about.

”Well that’s not gonna happen is it” Paddy said seriously. ”Aaron…He’s never going to go away. He’s too big of a part of you. But that doesn’t mean that you can keep fretting about everything. What happened happened. It’s in the past. And you need to let it go” They had been back here so many times and each time they had talked him around he had hoped, prayed, it would be the last time.

”And maybe you think you love him more because of that” Chas continued. Aaron looked at Robert who apparently had told them everything. ”Because of everything you went through” The memories were painful for her too. ”But that doesn’t mean you can’t love someone else just the same. It’s not a flippin’ competition” she threw her hand in the air at the last sentence. ”And the sooner you realize that, the better.”

”I never meant for it to sound like that” Once again he looked at Robert, but this time with sorrowful eyes. ”He’s taking up so much space, in here” he said, pointing to his head. ”And the one you love the most is suppose to do that” He looked away. ”That’s why I’m afraid that I love him more” He paused, shaking his head. ”I just can’t lose anyone else” Aaron started shivering. ”Everything is going so well, and I just can’t…” The truth was out but he didn’t want to inflict more pain to Robert by keep on talking.

”Hey” Robert was now on the floor, in front of him, trying to meet the eyes that were fixed on the floor. ”You’re not. We’re all here. I’m not going anywhere”

It was then Chas realized perhaps all of this was her fault as well. For staying away, for holding a grudge against her son’s boyfriend and for that, affecting their whole relationship. Not anymore. From now on, she was going to be there. Her son was not going to lose anyone else. She worded her promise to everyone in the room and recieved a grateful look from Aaron.

”When was the last time you visited his grave?” Paddy suddenly asked after the room had stayed quiet for a few minutes.

Aaron shook his head. ”I’m not sure”. He really wasn’t. Between everything that had happened since he came back, meeting Robert, moving in together, starting the business with Adam, his mind had been wrapped up in other things.

”I really think you should go” Paddy said. ”I think it would do you good”

”Well there you go then. Maybe that’s the simple solution” Chas expressed with a slight sarcasm but deep down she hoped that it could be the answer.

Aaron snorted at them.

”Hey, maybe it’s a good idea” Robert encouraged. ”We’ll go there today.” he squeezed Aaron’s shoulder.

Chas looked gratefully at Robert and nodded a thank you in his direction. It was then and there she realized just how much Robert cared for her son. Perhaps he wasn’t all bad.

…

An hour after his mum and Paddy had left they both stood by the grave, Robert slightly behind Aaron. Robert had passed Jackson’s stone several times but without really reflecting about the history behind it. Being here with Aaron made it all much more real.

Upon arriving, they had joked a little about what Jackson would have thought of Robert, that he probably wouldn’t have approved at all but that he was too nice of a person to say so and that they likely would have ended up great friends.

But now, as he looked to the sky, the previous smile on Aaron’s lips had died and instead there were slow tears trickling down his face and he was trying to keep his breath steady. ”I’m sorry” he said. ”I’m so sorry”. The words were aimed for the people who loved him, to himself but most of all to Jackson. He knew he had to let him go. He had to finally say a proper goodbye. Something he had been so afraid to do before. It pained him, but he couldn’t let Jackson take up so much room in his mind anymore, it was eating him alive. It was enough that he would always have a great place in his heart.

And his heart was big enough to handle it.


End file.
